Are You Listening?

There is a difference between hearing and listening. Many of us have had the experience of asking someone “Are you listening to me?” only to have our words repeated back verbatim. Teenagers are particularly proud of this skill. However, when someone asks “Are you listening?” the question is deeper than “Did you hear what I said?” It is possible for someone to hear another person without giving their full attention or truly understanding.

Why is it that we have difficulty listening to one another? One reason may be that there is actually a time difference between the speed of speech and the speed of thought. Studies suggest that the average person can listen to about 200 words per minute. The speed of thought is ten times that! This means on average we can listen to 200 words per minute but think about 2000 words per minute. Given that we think at a faster rate than we listen, it takes intention on our part to give our full attention without being distracted, preoccupied or forgetful.

Listening is an important skill for learning and knowledge. However, it is much more than a tool for education. Listening is an important means for relating with other people. Someone who is considered a good listener is generally a person who is receptive to the thoughts, feelings, and experiences of other people. Think about who you turn to when you have a problem. Generally I feel most comfortable with people who I feel understand and appreciate what I have to say. When someone truly listens, he or she offers the gift of attention, the gift of his or her presence. Listening is a form of love in that truly listening to another person demonstrates care, support, and respect.

Each person has also experienced what it is like to have a romantic partner, parent, sibling, child, co-worker or friend who we’d like to listen to us better. This longing to be listened to comes from a deeper desire to be known, appreciated and understood.

Chances are if all of us would like to be listened to better, all of us could also be better listeners. Listening is actually a skill which we can develop. Many people have had some sort of training in speech but far fewer people have had any training in listening. Just imagine if corporate executives, politicians, teachers, and community leaders spent as much time preparing to listen as they spend preparing to speak! Given that the rate at which we listen to words is so much slower than the rate that we think, it takes practice and intention to be more fully present to what another person is saying without being lost in our own thoughts.

Preparing ourselves to listen would enable us to have an open mind and a compassionate heart. Imagine how preparing to listen might change our interactions with people of differing viewpoints. Instead of being preoccupied with our own ideas and thinking about what to say next, our minds might be more open to another perspective. Imagine how preparing to listen might change our interactions with people who need support. Instead of being preoccupied with our own feelings and thinking about what to do next, our hearts might be more open as a compassionate presence.

How can we prepare ourselves to listen? The same way you can get to the Tennis Hall of Fame, PRACTICE! In the week ahead, prepare yourself to listen.

• Slow down your mind and heart to the speed of speech.
• Take two deep breaths before answering the phone.
• Offer the holy gift of your caring presence.
• Ask someone how they are and wait for the answer.
• Dare to understand someone who holds a different opinion.
• Allow for silence in conversation.
• Find a moment to listen to Nature.
• Be open to the workings of the sacred in your life.

Rev. Amy Freedman is the minister of Channing Memorial Church, Unitarian Universalist in Newport, RI.